C.McConnell

My Favorite Quote
"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
My Stats
NAME: Candice aka "Candy"
AGE: 32 Years Old
LIVES: Freeport, IL
BORN: December 13th
SIGN: Sagittarius
HUSBAND: Jeremy
KIDS: Damien [14 yrs old - Dec. 16th], Jacqueline aka "Jaci" [13 yrs old - Jan. 5th], and Ethan [10 yrs old - Oct. 29th]
Who I Am
A Mother
A Wife
A Daughter
A Granddaughter
A Daughter In-Law
A Sister
An Aunt
A Niece
A Cousin
A Friend
But Most Importantly I Am ME!!!

I am getting so tired of seeing all these articles of yet another celebrity who has died of an overdose… Is this becoming a trend now??? You would think with all the public deaths due to overdose they would get the message that maybe it’s not such a good idea to continue to abuse drugs and to maybe get some help for their addiction…

Philip Seymour Hoffman has been found dead now… The bad part is they found him with the syringe still in his arm… Ugh… It just seems like we are losing tons of celebrities to drugs & alcohol… So I decided to take a look into it and see… This is what I have found and it’s not even close to every one… Also I didn’t record athletes cause there were just way too many…

* Philip Seymour Hoffman, 46 [Heroin]

* Anna Nicole Smith, 40 [Prescription]

* Billy Mays, 51 [Cocaine]

* Bruce Lee, 32 [Prescription]

* Chris Farley, 33 [Morphine & Cocaine]

* Cory Monteith, 31 [Heroin]

* Elvis Presley, 42 [Prescription & Cocaine]

* Freddie Prinze, 22 [Prescription * Cocaine]

* Hank Williams Sr., 29 [Drug & Alcohol]

* Heath Ledger, 28 [Prescription]

* Howie Epstein, 47 [Heroin]

* Ike Turner, 76 [Cocaine]

* Janis Joplin, 27 [Heroin]

* Jim Morrison, 27 [Heroin & Cocaine]

* Jimi Hendrix, 27 [Prescription & Alcohol]

* John Belushi, 33 [Heroin & Cocaine]

* Sid Vicious, 21 [Heroin] (Suicide)

* Judy Garland, 47 [Prescription]

* Keith Moon, 32 [Prescription]

* Marilyn Monroe, 36 [Prescription] (Suicide)

* Michael Jackson, 50 [Prescription]

* River Phoenix, 23 [Heroin & Cocaine]

* Whitney Houston, 48 [Cocaine]

* Dee Dee Ramone, 50 [Heroin]

* Billie Holiday, 44 [Heroin & Alcohol]

* Corey Haim, 38 [Prescription]

* Amy Winehouse, 27 [Drug & Alcohol]

* Brittany Murphy, 32 [Prescription]

* Chris Kelly, 32 [Heroin & Cocaine]

* Dorothy Dandridge, 42 [Prescription]

* Donyale Luna, 34 [LSD]

* Rob Pilatus, 32 [Methadone & Alcohol]

* Brad Renfro, 26 [Heroin]

* Jack Kerovac, 47 [Alcohol]

* Jon Bonham, 32 [Alcohol]

* Richard Burton, 58 [Alcohol]

* Truman Capote, 59 [Alcohol]

Ridiculous right??? That doesn’t even come close to the full list… It really is sad when you look at it… So much life, talent, and youth lost to drugs and alcohol…

With most women when they are children they dream of growing up and one day having a family of their own… They dream of meeting that one man that takes their breath away and their heart skip a beat… The kind of man that just thinking of him brings a fluttering to their heart and stomach… They dream of that perfect, soft, knee weakening first kiss…They dream of that romantic proposal that will bring them to tears as they look at the man they love kneeling in front of them on one knee holding the most beautiful diamond ring they had ever seen…  They dream of the perfect white wedding they will have… The handsome man they love with their entire being that will be standing at the end of that flower and satin aisle fidgeting  nervously as they await their bride’s grand entrance… The look of love in their eyes when they see their bride in her perfect white gown… Her teary eyed glowing  face slightly hidden beneath her  flowing veil… The light mist of tears that will well up in the groom’s loving eyes… The emotionally romantic vows they will speak…  The joy in their faces as they say those two words that melt hearts and make spirits soar… They dream of the music that will play in the background as they glide across the floor having their first dance as husband and wife… They think of the exotic yet romantic location they will honeymoon in… A place with cascading blue waters, white sparkling sand, umbrellas shading the lounge chairs they will sit and sip a fruity yet slightly intoxicating drink… The honeymoon suites that will have rose pedal covered canopy beds, Jacuzzi tubs, and a memorable view from the balcony…. The soft glow of the fireplace as it lights the room just right…

Coming home to their dream house that they spend months decorating and getting everything just right… They dream of the 2.5 children they will have that they can love, shelter, and cherish as they grow to be responsible loving adults… The dream of the perfect decorated nursery they will spend hours in rocking and loving their baby in… They dream of the happy long awaited moment they get to bring home their tiny, adorable, yet oh so fragile newborn… Their child’s first steps… Their child’s first words… They dream of that sweet unconditional love they can only obtain when they become a mom… The soccer games they will cheer at, the girl/boy scouts meetings and badges their child will earn, the PTA meetings, their child’s first love, the school trips they will chaperon, giving their teenage son tips on what to do as he selects his tux, corsage, and hires a limo for their prom date, and helping their teenage daughter pick out that perfect prom dress… Attending their children’s graduations… Their tearful yet proud good-byes as the children they can’t believe have grown so fast leave for college… Growing old and retiring with that one man they have loved and adored their entire adult life while watching the sunsets on the patio of their dream home filled with loving, beautiful, cherished memories…

Those are the things most women dream of as children… The things that give them hope for the future… Something to look forward to… I however did not dream of those things… I didn’t get all mushy and girly over the idea of love and marriage… I didn’t imagine with joy the children I would have and the names I would select for them… I didn’t think of wedding dresses, grooms, and honeymoons… In fact I didn’t want any of those things… To me marriage and children seemed like a prison of misery, betrayal, disappointment, and heart ache… I collected and played with barbies but I didn’t play out scenarios of love and marriage… I didn’t have Ken arrive at Barbie’s dream house carrying roses as he takes her to a romantic candle lit dinner followed by a moonlit walk on the beach… I didn’t re-enact how my perfect proposal would go through Ken and Barbie… I didn’t have this idealistic naive notion that all women grow up and meet Mr. Right… In my make believe play settings with Ken and Barbie they didn’t live happily ever after… They didn’t have the innocent love most little girls believe in cause they know nothing about reality, pain, and disappointment… In my play world Ken would have an affair and leave Barbie for Skipper… In my world Barbie was a tramp… In my world Ken was an asshole and Skipper was a husband stealing whore… I would re-enact violence, fights, arguments, and heart breaking settings… Ken coming home early from the office and catching Barbie in bed with another man… Barbie running out on Ken… Lots of sex and manipulation schemes that underlined their twisted actions… Legal battles over the dream beach home… Drag races, explosions, and dangerous high speed chases  in the pink convertible…

Those were the things I imagined as a child… So what did I dream of?!? I dreamed of freedom and love… The freedom to make my own choices… The freedom to be who I was and to be accepted for who I was… The freedom I would have away from all the violence, anger, alcoholism, cruelty, disappointment, and soul  wrenching hopelessness… I dream of escape… I would dream of a mother who loved me… A mother who wanted me around… A mother who would treat me with love, respect, and affection… A mother who would piss me off with what I would believe unfair curfews… A mother I would yelled at and storm out on when she wouldn’t allow me to attend an unsupervised party with my high school friends… A mother would ground me should I sneak out, get caught at a party, or come home drunk… A mother who cooked a wonderful homemade meal that we would eat together while she asked me questions about my day… A mother who actually cared what I did or where I went… A mother I didn’t have…

I would dream of a father who was always around… A father who would sit my first date down on the couch and interrogate him as to his intentions with me… A father would make my date nervous with his intimidating threats should he so much as lay a hand on me… A father who would come home after a long days work, sit me down in his lap, and tell me of the funny events that took place while he was working… A father who was over-bearing but yet at the same time had a bit of a soft spot for me that would cause him to cave and give in to my every desire… A father who called me princess and spoiled as if I was one…  I dreamed of parents who tucked me in at night laying a gentle kiss on my forehead as I dozed off into sweet colorful child-like dreams… I dreamt of what I didn’t have…

Growing up my friends would envy me cause I had a mother who let me stay out late… Who allowed me to go anywhere I wanted for however long I wanted… A mother who didn’t ground me when me and my friends got busted by one of their parents when they came home sooner than we thought they would and caught us drunk stupid off their booze we stole out of their forbidden alcohol cabinet… A mother who didn’t worry and yell at me when I didn’t come at night cause I fell asleep at my boyfriend’s house whom I had snuck into… A mother who instead of giving me an allowance would buy me cigarettes in exchange for doing chores since I was too young to buy them myself… A mother who didn’t try to stop me when I dropped out of high school… My friends envied that freedom… To them I had it made… To them I had the coolest mother on the planet… What they didn’t know is I envied them… I envied the fact they had parents who cared enough to ground them should they do anything they knew they should not do… Parents who required them to be home when it got dark outside… Parents who set down rules and expected them to be followed without question… To my friends I had freedom… But in reality I was trapped in a loveless hell…

I grew up with a cold heart-less mother who was more concerned with drinking and my little brother that she never even seen the misery I was in and the love and acceptance I hungered to obtain from her… I grew up with a father who did care but was too busy bouncing from wife to wife to truly notice me and what I was going through…  A father who even though he had the best intentions just didn’t get it… A mother who never really wanted to claim me as her daughter… A mother who passed me off on anyone who was willing to take me… A father who moved around so much I wasn’t sure if I would ever see him again… A father who I had to worry whether or not his new wife would accept me cause if she didn’t I was disposable… A mother who threw me out at 15 and never look back cause her husband made her chose between him and me… I had parents who broke and damaged me so bad with their choices and actions that even as an adult I think I know what love is but can’t be completely certain cause it’s something I didn’t exactly experience a lot of growing up… Now don’t get me wrong I did have some love growing up… I had loving grandparents, aunts, and uncles who loved me and probably pitied me to some extent… But they all eventually turned away from me cause they couldn’t handle all the anger and resentment I had built up in me as a result of not feeling wanted or good enough for my parents to love me… Because of all the pain and disappointment I faced growing up I became a dark, vengeful, and ruthless teenager… I was so angry at my life and the cards I had been dealt that I set out to hurt others cause I was hurting… So my grandparents, aunts, and uncles gave up on me… Not that I could really blame them cause I had become a master at causing trouble…

Somewhere along the way of dealing with a cold, distant, non-affectionate, non-caring mother and a flaky, womanizing, alcoholic nomad of a father I had gotten it set in my head that I wasn’t worth loving… That I was unwanted… A castaway… I had gotten it set in my head that I would never be happy or be anything other than a huge walking disappointment… I had essentially given up on life… I had given up on myself… Which wasn’t hard to do since it seemed everyone I cared about always disappeared or gave up on me… Everyone I loved had hurt me in some way… After years of crushing disappointment and never ending despair I had resolved myself into thinking that life would never be worth much more than just existing… I had lost all hope… I had given up on dreaming…

Now here I am 29 years old, with a mother who won’t acknowledge I even exist, a father who is making an effort but in a way is still the same as he was, I am married to a man I have destroyed cause I let my past run me for far too long, and have 3 children with very complicated histories… One child (my 11 year old son) who is being raised by my aunt cause I was too young to be a mother nor was I stable enough to raise him when he was born… I love him just as much as I do my other children but when he was born I wanted him to have a better life then what I had… A life that deep down I knew I could not provide for him only being 18 and essentially homeless… Then there is my 10 year old daughter who somehow got doomed to repeat some of the events in my life… She was molested and abused by her guardians… Guardians whom I entrusted my daughter with cause I never  imagined they would do anything to hurt me or my daughter… Guardians who betrayed me by harming the one thing I valued more than my own life… My child… The reason she had guardians is cause I had left my first husband who was an abusive alcoholic and had nowhere to go… You can’t raise a child on the streets… A daughter who I feel I failed at protecting and doomed to repeat my nightmares… A daughter who resents me cause I can’t give her everything she wants… A daughter who resent me cause she didn’t grow up living with me… That brings me to my 7 year old son… My son who has AD/HD and is developmentally delayed… My son who feels he has to steal things to have things… My son who is so incredibly smart but feels the need to act dumb…

I spent most of my life locked in the past… So much so that in the process of all the anger, hurt, and resentment I somehow managed to become the people I swore I would never become… My parents… I am not as distant, and cold-hearted as my mother… But I am cold and distant… I am not as non-affectionate as my mother… But I am not exactly affectionate either… I am not as cruel as my mother… But I do have a cruel streak to me… I am not as flaky as my father… But I do sometimes flake out on commitments… I am not an alcoholic… But I do occasionally drink… I do say "I love you" which are 3 words my mother could never quite manage to choke out… I do love and protect my children… But I am not exactly nurturing… I don’t hug people unless I feel I have to… I don’t read bedtime stories… But I do sometimes sneak in my children’s room and tuck them in after they are asleep… I don’t do "activities" very often with my children… But I do allow them freedom to be themselves… I don’t exactly lie like my father did but I sometimes hide the truth… I spent so much of my life bottling everything I thought and felt up that it is like a second nature to me to hide how I really feel… Or even what I really think…

I always say I am a good mom… But the truth is I feel like a failure… I feel like the key components to being a loving, nurturing mother are missing from my DNA… I have withdrawn so far into myself most of my life that I fear I may never completely come out… I know I am capable of being a loving, caring, wonderful person… But sometimes I doubt I will ever get to the point where I can allow myself to completely open up and be who I am… Most of the time I am torn between blaming my childhood on being the thing that broke me and blaming myself for allowing it…

So here I sit… I broken shadow of a person who is pretending to be much better than I really am…

This guy is amazing, truly inspirational, and hilarious… I love reading his blog… Check him out and follow his blog… I guarantee you will enjoy it and find him just as amazing as I do!!!

laughingatmynightmare:

I will most likely be dead before I turn 30. Even that estimate is a generous one. I have a disease called Spinal Muscular Atrophy (Type 2) that has been slowly destroying all the muscles in my body for the last 18 years, 11 months, and 354 days. Eventually I will catch a cold, it will turn into…

Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acid stains you, Drugs cause cramps, Guns aren’t lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful, You might as well live.
  • Daughter: Hi daddy! Sorry I couldn't see you on Father's Day
  • Father: It is ok, I forgive you this time ;)
  • Daughter: Mom said you guys took your cock out for a ride.
  • Daughter: Wish I could have gone too :(
  • Daughter: OH MY GOSH DAD NO
  • Daughter: I WROTE KAYAK I SWEAR
  • Daughter: Oh my gosh, I am sorry. That is not what I meant.
  • Father: Your mother hasn't taken that out for a ride in years. Ha Ha call you tomorrow.
About all you can do in life is be who you are. Some people will love you for you. Most will love you for what you can do for them, and some won’t like you at all.
♥ Quote By [Rita Mae Brown]
Asker tumblrbot Asks:
WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
candicemcc candicemcc Said:

My earliest memory is when I was about 4-5 years old… I was helping my mother bring in groceries (When I was living with her)… We were standing in the kitchen and all of a sudden my mother turns to me and says "I have something to tell you… Tom (my mother’s 2nd husband) is not your real father… Your real father’s name is Mike…” and I stared at her in shock and dismay… To a 4-5 year old news of that nature can be very dramatic… I did not take it well…

My real father was involved in my life prior to that from what I am told… I just don’t really remembering knowing him then…

Bad Grammar - The Way I Are Parody ft. HotforWords (by JamesatWar)

In The Game - World of Warcraft (by JamesatWar)